MASCOT HYSTERIA: Cozmo v Roelio

Mascot Hysteria

Welcome back all fans of plush pugilism for the latest round of Mascot Hysteria! This is the destination for football fans that have an unquenchable desire to see the planet’s fuzziest, googly-eye-iest and often mentally unstable mascots do battle in a head-to-whatever-the-other-one-has matchup.

After last week’s debut round, we have crowned our first Mascot Hysteria Champion who now stays on to face a new opponent. What started out as a close race, shifted dramatically in the dying hours of voting as a hometown grassroots voting effort saw LA Galaxy’s extraterrestrial gigolo Cozmo surge past Swindon Town’s angry bird Rockin’ Robin with 58% of the vote. No word how the rage-fuelled robin will take this loss but we’re sure the Wiltshire Police will be on high alert.

With that, it’s time to move on to the next round as Cozmo defends the title against a new challenger. As always, it’s you the Vocal Minority reader that decides the winner so browse the information, study the science and then vote early and vote often! Simply put the name of your winner in the comments section below (your reasons for your vote are always welcome!) or send the name of your winner to our Twitter account @vocalminorityCA with the hashtag #MascotHysteria

 Mascots… FIGHT!

 THE CHAMPION

Cozmo

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  • NAME: Cozmo
  • CLUB: Los Angeles Galaxy

TALE OF THE TAPE

  • HEIGHT: 5’7″
  • WEIGHT: 155 lbs.
  • EYEBROWS: Olde English

SPECIES: Unspecified (Gigolo alien and/or oversexed Muppet)

BIOGRAPHY: Being named the first Mascot Hysteria Champion will come as no surprise to this supremely confident indigo lothario from sunny California. Whether you believe the story of his extraterrestrial origin from the planet Broosareena 8 or the paparazzi-fuelled background expose about his drug-addled days on the set of The Muppet Show, you have to admit this yellow-browed renaissance mascot has got it going on!

With his trademark pimp cane and chalice full of blue “Space Drank”, Cozmo is the go-to fluff for a good-time in Carson. Since being blacklisted from Hollywood (for calling “E.T.” a “chubby, illiterate, hammer-headed walking foreskin”) he has concentrated on his three loves: LA Galaxy, women of any species and disco-fighting. When not pitch-side, Cozmo can usually be found running away from Robbie Keane to the Irish strains of “stay away from me wife you blue-arsed feck!”

CATCHPHRASE: “I want to orbit Uranus!”

 

THE CHALLENGER

Roelio

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  • NAME: Roelio
  • CLUB: Pontevedra CF

TALE OF THE TAPE:

  • HEIGHT: 6′ 1″
  • WEIGHT: 190 lbs.
  • DENSITY: +1 to -1

 SPECIES: Bone (Possibly femur)

BIOGRAPHY: From the depths of the Spanish Third Division comes the upright mascot of minnow club Pontevedra CF – Roelio! Legend has it that this talk drink of calcium emerged from the Pontevedra medical room on a stormy night after the club’s third-string goalkeeper went down with a mystery thigh injury. While the keeper was never seen or heard from again, Roelio’s presence at Estadio Municipal de Pasaron saw the local side go unbeaten in four matches. Fans decided that the fewer questions asked the better.

With his manically happy toothless grin and a wave with his rounded fingerless appendages, Roelio bring joy to supporters and important public service announcements to the town’s elderly on the horrors of osteoporosis. With his manically happy toothless grin, rounded fingerless appendages and incredible knowledge of skeletal weak-spots and fracture points, Roelio strikes fear into the hearts of away supporters as he chases them back to the local train station.

CATCHPHRASE: “You’re gonna get boned!”

Author: Tony Walsh

Tony Walsh is a writer, former minor-league broadcaster and failed astronaut. Born into supporting an underachieving football club only to end up supporting a second underachieving football club - through what must be deemed as soft immigration policies - he continues to make terrible life choices. Walsh is a keen observer of the malarkey-rife sport of football and is considered one of the leading voices on the Collin Samuel Obesity Epidemic.

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13 Comments

  1. roelio.
    can’t beat an upside down scrotum.

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  2. My god, that’s supposed to be a bone? My first impression was that it looks like the ass-end of a demented goldfish cracker.

    As much as I want to root against the LA Galaxy, I gotta go with Cozmo for this one.

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  3. Voting for Cozmo. Enjoy the fact he’s getting involved and also that he doesn’t complain about the lewdness of the blurbs

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  4. I’ve never heard of that club in my life but come on – a bone? How could you not vote for a bone over whatever Cosmo is? Roelio.

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  5. How can you not vote for a bone? Wait, that didn’t come out right… Ah fuck it – that’s my vote. Roelio FTW!

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    • Javier Bardem would probably approve of this message.

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  6. None of these guys compare to Souki, the Montreal Expos first mascot. So before there was a Youppi, there was Souki. The mascot was an in-house eye-sore made from paper mache, hot glue, baseball’s, and wire. Children would run in terror from the mascot when they spotted it heading their way. The Expos tried to clean up the character at first and then ditched Souki and approached Jim Henson (Muppets) for the now iconic Youppi

    Cozmo does look like a alien platypus

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      • Knick-knack paddy-wack give a dog a bone so yes. But I bet children run in terror from it.

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  7. Voting for Cozmo at this point would be bone-headed – Viva Roelio!

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