Red Hot Reds’ Supporters Romance Quiz 2015

You had me at "foot".

You had me at “foot”.

“BMO Field is for Lovers”… said no t-shirt ever. Despite that, today is the day to stop fretting over the Gilberto transfer and dote upon that special person in your life. And no – we don’t mean Sebastian Giovinco. It’s Valentine’s Day – the day to celebrate all things amour… because French stuff is so hot right now at TFC! So, put your MLS aside for one day and set your tactics to “4-4-Lurve”.

In the spirit of getting your raging heart on, please take the time to fill out the 2015 “Red Hot Reds’ Supporter Romance Quiz”. It is the most scientifically proven* (* not any form of science known to humans) Major League Soccer/Romance test since the infamous “Tampa Bay Mutiny Presents: Is Your Wife Cheating on You?” quiz of 1997. So before you sit your spouse/partner/hired “friend” down to an evening of microwaved tin pasta and a 90 minute snuggle in front of your Toronto FC vs. Santos Laguna DVD… answer these February 14 questions to see just how red hot a Red you are!

HOW TO SCORE: 1 Point for every A; 2 Points for every B; 3 points for every C; and 4 points for every D

1. If you were buying your partner a sexy item of clothing, what would it be?  A) Yoga gear B) A pair of high heels C) Some frilly red undergarments D) An autographed 2007 Adam Braz kit

2. How long do you wait before trying to bed a new partner?  A) Four or five friendly dates B) Try to seduce them on the second date C) Nothing like a one-night stand! D) I have a 5 Year Plan

3. How do you first get to know a partner?  A) Exchange some pleasant e-mails B) Meet up for a coffee C) A few flirty texts D) Through an online dating profile that says “Get Used To It”

4. Who most inspires you to be romantic?  A) Poets B) Painters C) Musicians D) Tim Leiweke

5. If you were making a romantic meal, what would be your specialty?  A) A hearty soup B) A pasta dish C) Red Velvet cupcakes D) Chip Butty

6. If you were to put some drinks on ice for the evening, what would you serve?  A) Some sparkling mineral water B) Champagne C) An expensive red wine D) $12 Dollar pint of flat Budweiser in a plastic cup

7. What term do you use for the “love-making”?  A) “A friendly” B) “Getting lucky” C) “Scoring” D) “Drilling one into the box”

8. How would you best describe your technique in bed?  A) “Sweet and tender” B) “Confident and assured” C) “Erotic and adventurous” D) “Like a series of wild Steven Caldwell arm flaps”

9. If you could get your significant other to “dress up” for you, what costume would you choose?  A) French maid B) Hot cop C) The sexy secretary D) Bitchy the Hawk

10. What is your favourite position?  A) Spooning B) Classic missionary C) Something from the Kama Sutra D) Defensive Midfielder

11. What do you find most physically attractive on your partner?  A) Their smile B) Their hair C) Their eyes D) Their corner kick ability

12. What name would you like to be called in bed?  A) “Sweetheart” B) “Stud” C) “A One-in-Six Guy” D) “The Atomic Ant”

13. If you could choose a fantasy name for yourself – what would it be?  A) Mr. Right B) The Designated Player C) Terry “F*cking” Dunfield D) Commissioner Dong Grabber

14. What taboo experience do you most crave?  A) Hooking up with a complete stranger B) A very public adventure C) A threesome D) The playoffs

HOW DID YOU DO?

If you scored:

14-20 points – you are a TRIALIST: You’ve got a long way to go before you’re ready for the big-time. Time to put down that FIFA video game and meet a real girl – watching the Women’s World Cup doesn’t count as a date.

21-34 points – you are in the ACADEMY: You’ve got some potential but there are lots like you out there. Work on your romance or end up in a USL-type relationship… or alone with your own Rochester Raging Rhino.

35-48 points – you are on the FIRST TEAM: You are definitely a Major Leaguer in the old football shorts department. However, there is still room for improvement so don’t get overconfident. No one wants a Mista in their bed.

49 points and higher – you are a DP: No not that kind of DP (you commendable perv) – the MLS kind! You are on top of your game and could have the pick of the litter at BMO Field. You’ve got the physique of a Dichio, the charm of a Ricketts, the accent of Laurent Robert and the animal magnetism of a Raivis Hscanovics. Reds’ lovin’ ladies would love some of your support! Come on you Reds.

Author: Tony Walsh

Tony Walsh is a writer, former minor-league broadcaster and failed astronaut. Born into supporting an underachieving football club only to end up supporting a second underachieving football club - through what must be deemed as soft immigration policies - he continues to make terrible life choices. Walsh is a keen observer of the malarkey-rife sport of football and is considered one of the leading voices on the Collin Samuel Obesity Epidemic.

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4 Comments

  1. Nothing makes me feel more romantic than Tim Lieweke – especially when he’s in a 2-sizes-too-small TFC warmup jacket.

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    • Ohh-la-la. I’ll be taking my wife out on a hot date at Toronto’s latest french restaurant Chez Rou.

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  2. First Team! Woo!!

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