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1. 

   Mr Fishhead

   April 10, 2024

   Kristin Knowles,”It pains me to say it…”

   It pains you to say positive words towards Calgary? I must protest, this fair city has more than you would expect. Time for a visit this spring and you may change your opinion…

   So you ventured forth to the city of Calgary. You are not expecting much here. Others have the notion that the folks around here are drunken hillbillies and slack jawed yokels.

   You have been to all the big cities in this land, Toronto, Vancouver and Montreal. Hopefully a little surprise is waiting for you here.

   Some look at the area with disdain. A land of cattle and oil they say. For some they call this place “cowtown” and others Stampede city. But you are not that fond of such beasts. For their mooing can be quite loud and they leave you a gift of cow pie. Black Angus or Longhorn cattle, it matters not to you. It doesn’t interest you one bit.

   Though you won’t deny the local beef is something the residents should be proud of. Seems they take great care to prepare meat around here. Steakhouses a plenty in these parts. But your not into all that hoopla on some well cooked meat that meets with your approval.

   Certainly a carnivores delight for those tourists inclined to feast on a juicy steak. But beware some folks around here don’t look to kindly towards vegetables. If you offer someone a nice big carrot they might see this as an insult. Perhaps you should hide the carrot in your pants pocket to prevent awkward looks.

   As for the rodeo, it’s a novelty. But no matter how much the stallion shakes the cowboy you are not shaken by this display. It will take more than that to make you react with glee. All this hee haw is not to your tastes. A buckaroo you are not. This scene doesn’t make your eyes widen to see more.

   You won’t disagree that Calgary at the footsteps of the Rocky mountains makes for beautiful scenery. Breathe in that fresh air blowing from the heights of the mountain tops from the west. But you have been to the ocean side of Vancouver and have seen some startling sights.

   The Calgary tower is nice indeed but you have walked in the shadow of the CN tower. The heights of this tower does not make you anxious and overcome with a feinting spell. It will take more than that to make your legs tremble.

   And while the people are friendly, nobody catches you of note. Nobody that you will remember years later and regale others of the footsteps you have followed. Tell me who of fame could you bump into in Calgary? Other than Bret “Hitman” Hart you are at a loss.

   Surely he could make you react. So you will be sure to be careful with your words about this city. You dare not speak disagreeable words, that he overhears and grabs you in a fury and shakes you in displeasure. While you may fall from his strikes, you will not be starstruck.

   You have been to Toronto and have seen the places that stars have brightened. Many of fame have walked these streets and blinded onlookers. As you all know, four Police Academy movies were filmed in Toronto. Yes, the one and only, Steve Guttenberg has shined right here in the GTA! He is renowned around the world, in some places they worship him like a god. You won’t argue with them on his divine status. Some make a pilgrimage to the city for they say his spirit still remains here.

   You are not easily impressed by the old houses of this frontier town as you visit Heritage Park. Very quaint indeed, but you have been to the old parts of Montreal. Calgary cannot compare. Though you admit this place has a rustic western charm, the buildings of pioneers of days long past. But nothing that stuns you around here, nothing at all to write home about.

   You notice a bunch of yahoos at the distance. You move away from all the tourists and investigate what is taking place. They seem to be filming some nonsense.

   You roll your eyes. Probably some trivial show about Bessie the cow winning some prize at the Stampede. Or some documentary about the oil industry, men talking about which grade of oil is crude or sweet. Such banter you won’t listen to.

   But in the distance you notice her at the corner of your eye. Like a prairie flower ready for spring in the field of grass.

   You do a double take. Your neck moves so fast that the folks must think you were pocessed and in need of an exorcism. You were startled by the quick glimpse.

   Was it an apparition that you just saw inbetween the crowd of men? She vanished, your mind must be playing tricks on you. For only magic could conjure that famous beauty in a place like this. Many people remember her from years past.

   You let it pass by your mind, and try to file it away at the bottom cabinet of your brain. But you catch her vision yet again for a brief moment. Your heart beats a few seconds faster and you are shaken.

   Not here, not now!? This can’t be. This isn’t Vancouver or some film shot on the streets of Toronto. She wouldn’t be here, of all places. Surely she is in Hollywood or New York or London. Far from a place like this.

   No, it can’t be! You must be delirious. A flower like that in Alberta?

   You have dreamed of this moment a hundred times if not more. You would meet her and say some witty remark and she would respond in kind. Or you would give her a sly smile that she noticed from afar that intrigued her to come hither.

   The filming crew look at you in disdain. They have work to do and they shoo you away as you stumble as if drunk. You start mumbling some jibberish that sounds like your some kind of alien. They don’t want to listen to such nonsense. They are filming a new series for Netflix in this town and you just caught a glimpse of one of the stars.

   As you are waved away you see her again in the flesh, this isn’t a supernatural being. She smiles at you. It’s true! That’s Gillian Anderson in Calgary this warm spring day.

   Your jaw drops to the floor as your eyes pop out like a cartoon. You can barely stand for a feinting spell has come over you.

   Your escorted away like a drunken hillbilly that had too much moonshine. This is a closed set, the film crew has no time for slack jawed yokels from Ontario…

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