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   Mr Fishhead

   April 17, 2024

   A new Canadian Premier League season of soccer has begun. And it will certainly continue for many more years to come. I have seen visions of a time that lays far ahead. But you may regret what I am about to share with you. Avert your eyes for this is a long gaze into the world of tomorrow. A revelation that few will want to read…

   ….In the days after the end times. No one still remembers what caused the collapse of mankind. Perhaps it was a new plague, another war or just boredom that created this new world disorder out of the ashes of a calamity. But the remains of civilization still cling in a few areas.

   The few strong and free stand defiant in this age of chaos. They survive a meager existence, guarding against attacks by mutated animals and savages.

   While governments have fallen, still a few things from the ancient past survive. It’s a primitive existence of fear, filth and force. But in a way this world still has some charm.

   In this land of blight a few communities remain across Canada. And on a happy note, inflation is no longer a problem. Finally prices we can all live with. For no national currency has value these days. The only paper money in use is Canadian Tire money! It is legal tender and valued by all.

   Canadian Tire is one of the few merchants that endured into this dawn of destruction. It can’t be destroyed so easily, from the rubble it has risen again. And it is simple to see why. They have products in high demand in these tough times.

   I mean, this 16 once steel Mastercraft claw hammer with ergonomic grip is a joy to hold. Your sure to smile as you furiously smash the skull of the radioactive zombie attacking you. Or this Yardworks shovel, featuring a fiberglass shaft for durability that won’t break as you repeatedly hit the mutated racoon that crawls into your dwelling. And don’t forget this Benzomatic Max-pro propane torch so you can burn off the fingers of the bandit grabbing your last can of carrots.

   I know what you’re thinking… Their delicious, who can eat just one? Bandit fingers are a delicacy in these days of the future. And don’t you worry about that protein packed bandit spoiling. With this Rubbermaid tupperware from Canadian Tire you can be sure that the bandit meat wont go to waste. It seals in the freshness. The meat stays as tender as the day you burned him alive.

   Great value on everyday products at your local Canadian Tire store. Dont delay and head to your local store today for the products of this new future.

   While humanity descended into almost complete anarchy this did not stop the Canadian Premier League from continuing. Some minor modifications of the FIFA rules were tweaked for this new harsh age. For example a red card will be shown for violent conduct if a decapitation on the pitch takes place. Dismemberment of limbs will be a yellow card. Rules are still rules! Don’t push your luck. Though remember that after the game, a quick exit is needed since rules are no longer enforced.

   The CPL season was reduced, for the distance traveled is long and onerous. Gasoline is hard to come by and the few Canadian Tire gas bars are few and far between. Not to mention all the hazards and obstacles a team must face in these trips. It’s a question of how many men will survive the voyage. For the feeble will not last long in the outlands.

   Just getting out of Ontario is tough enough. I know good things grow in Ontario… but the freaks of nature in this province are a sight to see! Monstrosities in abundance await you across every hill and valley. Ontario, it’s yours to discover!

   Though going through the prairies isn’t as bad as some say. The threat of creatures from radioactive zones are overblown. In fact Manitoba mosquitoes are actually smaller these days. They are only the size of a small dog. They are nothing to worry about. Just a minor inconvenience when you have Muskol BackCountry mosquito repellent spray from Canadian Tire. It provides effective protection against pests. Don’t let your road trip get ruined.

   More concerning are the warlords that chase those that dare drive through the crumbling roads. They live for battle against worthy oponents. All that trespass the area must face this formidable challenge if you wish to proceed. They drive machines of mayhem so it isn’t a simple task to pass them by.

   Whichever vehicle you decide to drive, I recommend Motomaster tires. Available only at Canadian Tire. Motomaster performance edge gives you the security in these dangerous times. Drive with better traction in different driving conditions. A nimble ride is a must for these days. Not only will you escape certain death but you will do it in style.

   Getting to Vancouver Island is a bit daunting. I suggest the Pelican canoe from Canadian Tire. It delivers the agility and ruggedness you need for a dangerous expedition. Don’t listen to the local supporters. It is dangerous to swim across the Salish sea. Under no circumstance allow the starfish to “hug” you. The starfish have the taste for human flesh.

   You may wonder about Ottawa. It is a wonder indeed! For back in 2022 they built the largest Canadian Tire store in the world. And this fact still holds true in this future! A monument to the age if capitalism at its heights. A retail experience like no other, some visit it just to worship this marvel of merchandising.

   But if you don’t have Canadian Tire money then you better have something of value to barter with. Beware, for they don’t take lightly those of a thieving nature. Those caught will get a close look at their fine tools… that is torturing tools. And those criminals will get a good view of Ottawa after their head is put on a tall spike! A warning to all those looting scum that enter the glory that is Canadian Tire.

   As for Hamilton. The residents live in squalor. In rags they wander through the decaying ruins. The sunlight is obscured by billowing smoke of toxic fumes. In the shadows the debauchery that takes place here! I will spare you the details of what the local degenerates do. Let’s just say their sinful nature would either shock or seduce you with their salacious acts.

   And of note, they still hold the CPL trophy with an iron grip. These crude barbarians are reluctant to let go of their shiny prize. They snarl in contempt to those foreign interlopers that venture into their district.

   Other teams give harsh criticism about Forge, as they continue to win trophies. They say its an unfair advantage…

   Because Hamilton was well prepared, since it was already an apocalyptic wasteland even before the end times. Doomsday you say? For Hamiltonions its just another normal day around here. It’s comforting to know that even in the future, Hamilton never changes.

   And to think that even in what some call a cesspool of slime, good things can begin. For one fateful day the very first Canadian Tire associates store was opened all the way back in 1934, in the city of Hamilton of all places! When the founders realized that the tiny shop on King street was going to succeed it opened a franchise business that is still growing to this very day! A retail empire like no other and a legacy that endures no matter what humanity has become. It was here that they aspired to greatness. So I say hold back on the trash talk for even a place like Hamilton has merit.

   Though many outsiders will not stop calling Hamilton obscenities and scornful words. But for the local residents they only call Hamilton by one word….

   Home.

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