MASCOT HYSTERIA: Sammy the Stag v Kickeroo

Posted By Tony Walsh on Mar 31, 2015 in Malarkey, Uncategorized | 7 comments

Set googly eyes to stun because it’s time for another round of the world’s hottest football mascot throwdown – Mascot Hysteria!

Knight-time was not the right time for 1.FCN’s noble mascot Ritter Frankie as the reigning champ – Mansfield Town’s suspicious stag Sammy – stuck his antlers right through the German’s cartoon chainmail. Despite a face that looks like British comic book hero Dennis the Menace, the mascot knight –  who strangely decided to expose his underlying human hands – could not joust the love that fans have for Sammy who was handed a 59% overall victory.

So the Stag Party rolls on into another round and welcomes a new challenger. As always, it’s you the Vocal Minority reader who decides the winner so figure out the fuzz and vote! Simply do one of the following: put the name of your winner in the comments section (Comments always welcome!); vote in the handy poll below; or, send the name of your winner to @vocalminorityCA on Twitter with the hashtag #MascotHysteria

Mascots… FIGHT!

THE CHAMPION

NAME: Sammy the Stag
CLUB: Mansfield Town FC

TALE OF THE TAPE

HEIGHT: 6’2″
WEIGHT: 207 lbs.
HOOVES: Twitchy

SPECIES: Stagis Skepticalis

BIOGRAPHY: What are you looking at? What are YOU looking at? The two-time Mascot Hysteria Champion – that’s who! He may be receiving the kudos from fans in this competition but don’t expect to see Sammy promoting his new-found fame in newspapers or on TV. No, Sammy is a firm believer that the mainstream media is a tool of oppressive governments in a campaign to pacify the masses – and make venison a thing. He also refuses to share air time on any platform that recognizes the existence Barry Gibb.

For now Sammy is more than content to cheer on his local side Mansfield Town as they trudge their way through England’s fourth tier. Sammy’s past political aspirations are currently on hold while he works on his regular underground newsletter “The Antler of Truth” and quizzes Stags’ midfielder Reggie Lambe about “what exactly he knows about The Bermuda Triangle”. Sammy has recently enrolled in a local jazzercise class and enjoys Asian fusion cooking.

CATCHPHRASE: “This is no boy’s field – THIS. IS. MANSFIELD!”

THE CHALLENGER

NAME: Kickeroo
CLUB: Richmond Kickers

TALE OF THE TAPE

HEIGHT: 5’8″
WEIGHT: 180 lbs.
POUCH: Sticky

SPECIES: Mad Hopper

BIOGRAPHY: From the land down under… Washington D.C. – hops Mascot Hysteria’s latest challenger, Kickeroo of the USL’s Richmond Kickers. This furious marsupial is one of the premier mascots in North America’s lower divisions but one who had to overcome diversity to get where he is today – which is primarily challenging members of other USL clubs to boxing matches.

Originally from a town just outside of Brisbane, Australia, Kickeroo (Mick R. Oo according to his Australian passport) travelled to Washington D.C. after landing a role in the film “Crocodile Dundee 4: Capital Croc”, a shockingly cancelled title with a plot which saw Crocodile Dundee become President of the United States. With no money or friends in the U.S.A. Kickeroo eventually hopped south to Richmond, Virginia where he made a meagre living as a Civil War re-enacting street performer named “Roolysses S. Grant”. His lack of American historical knowledge – and the fact he was a kangaroo – made this a short-lived career.

With his natural Australian tendency to fly into unnecessary rage fuelled by his hard times, things grew worse for Kickeroo when he drunkenly bumped into the Rochester Raging Rhinos in town after a match and tried suffocating their goalkeeper in his pouch. Luckily, the owner of the Kickers read about the kerfuffle in the local news and not only bailed Kickeroo from jail but hired him as the thematically unrelated mascot of the local club. Since then, Kickeroo has channelled his anger into leading cheers for the Kickers while openly mocking the few USL players from New Zealand.

CATCHPHRASE: “That’s not a mascot… THIS is a mascot!”

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