Not Necessarily the Eastern Conference: Your Guide to Some-Things MLS

Posted By Tony Walsh on Mar 5, 2015 in Malarkey, Uncategorized | 0 comments

West may be best for baby (We saw it on Wikipedia) but the East is where it’s at yo! That’s right, hot off the heels of our highly factualish and influentialesque MLS Western Conference preview, we shift focus to the continent’s eastern seaboard… also Columbus. Whatevs – we’re inclusive.

Everyone on this continent knows east is a beast! Who needs oceans, mountains, deserts then prairies? Pick a geology and stick with it west. Showboaters. We’ve got the salty Atlantic, we get snow up the ying-yang, silly accents all up in yo business and just to be dicks we throw in Quebec. What son?! Eastern Conference… mic drop.

CHICAGO FIRE – Toyota Park
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Frank Yallop/Dale Mitchell
INTERNATIONAL REBRAND: Club Atletico Nueva Nueva Chicago
BEST PLAYER NAME TO SAY OUT LOUD: Patrick Doody
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, Bloods, wastoids, dweebies; Abe Froman – Sausage King of Chicago
2015 EXPERT PREDICTION: Taking plenty of days off

COLUMBUS CREW – MAPFRE Stadium
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Gregg Berhalter/Crew Cat
INTERNATIONAL REBRAND: Bayern Crewnich
BEST PLAYER NAME TO SAY OUT LOUD: Kristinn Steindorsson
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: White folk; Feline AIDS activists; Other Higuains
2015 EXPERT PREDICTION: Revealing the whereabouts of the three construction workers off of their old badge

DC UNITED – RFK Stadium
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Ben Olsen/Kevin Kline as a Ben Olsen impersonator
INTERNATIONAL REBRAND: Washington Wanderers
BEST PLAYER NAME TO SAY OUT LOUD: Perry Kitchen
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Republicans; Democrats; The Anti-Stadium Lobby
2015 EXPERT PREDICTION: Talking about their latest stadium plan. No this time it’s real guys. Guys?

MONTREAL IMPACT – Saputo Stadium
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Frank Klopas/Former Italy manager “________”
INTERNATIONAL REBRAND: Cheese & Bologna FC
BEST PLAYER NAME TO SAY OUT LOUD: Wandrille Lefevre
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Anglophones; Francophones; Provolones
2015 EXPERT PREDICTION: Somehow still getting the better of TFC

NEW ENGLAND REVOLUTION – Gillette Stadium
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Jay Heaps/A random Wahlberg
INTERNATIONAL REBRAND: Boston Celtic FC
BEST PLAYER NAME TO SAY OUT LOUD: FAGUNDEZ!!!
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Tea partiers; Musket enthusiasts; People that sound like Peter Griffin
2015 EXPERT PREDICTION: Pretending that Kraft will build them a soccer stadium

NEW YORK CITY FC – Yankee Stadium
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Jason Kreis/The ghost of Billy Martin
INTERNATIONAL REBRAND: Manhattanchester City
BEST PLAYER NAME TO SAY OUT LOUD: Kwado Poku
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: People who can’t stand New Jersey; Reggie Jackson; Grandmaster Flash and The Furious Five-a-Side team
2015 EXPERT PREDICTION: Trying to persuade people this was the Frank Lampard plan all along

NEW YORK RED BULLS – Red Bull Arena
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Jesse Marsch/Marco Schallibaum
INTERNATIONAL REBRAND: New Jersey Mountain Dew SC
BEST PLAYER NAME TO SAY OUT LOUD: Sal Zizzo
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: C.H.U.D.’s; The over-caffeinated; No one east of the Hudson River
2015 EXPERT PREDICTION: Waving their fists towards New York City from empty seats

ORLANDO CITY – Orlando Citrus Bowl Stadium
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Adrian Heath/Sport Goofy
INTERNATIONAL REBRAND: Orlando Pirates of the Caribbean
BEST PLAYER NAME TO SAY OUT LOUD: Kaka
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Cartoon mascots on their days off; Frozen heads in jars; Fiorentina supporters on vacation at Disney
2015 EXPERT PREDICTION: Slowly morphing from charming to annoying

PHILADELPHIA UNION – PPL Park
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Jim Curtin/ A couple of guys gettin’ up to no good
INTERNATIONAL REBRAND: Carlton Athletic
BEST PLAYER NAME TO SAY OUT LOUD: Antoine Hoppenot
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Jazzy Jeffs; Fresh Princes; Uncle Phils (#NeverForget)
2015 EXPERT PREDICTION: Cancelling “Bill Cosby Night” at PPL Park

TORONTO FC – BMO Field
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Greg Vanney/Check back around August
INTERNATIONAL REBRAND: WTFC
BEST PLAYER NAME TO SAY OUT LOUD: Jackson!
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Eternal optimists; Annual masochists; Drake
2015 EXPERT PREDICTION: Talking really positively about the 2016 season