Not Necessarily the Western Conference: Your Guide to Some-Things MLS

Posted By Tony Walsh on Mar 4, 2015 in Malarkey, Uncategorized | 1 comment

Cup your groins in your hands North America – you’re about to be First Kicked. The most majorest of this continent’s major league soccer leagues not in Mexico – Major League Soccer – is back for 2015! That’s right, Commissioner Don Garber has been busy buffing balls as another season is set to begin – except you know, for that possible strikey thingamajig –  and we have the only previews you need*!

(*You will definitely need other previews)

Since our romantic letter on limited edition red threaded stationary to Mr. Garber, begging for a single table, fell once again on deaf ears, we start our preview with the mighty Western Conference. The West is home to the MLS Cup Winners, the hipsters and sasquatches of Cascadia, the raucous Mormon Ultras of Salt Lake… and also Colorado Rapids. It is a tough conference, so take the time to familiarize yourself with the left half of the league. Join us and Go West! Life is peaceful there. Go West! They have quality Tex-Mex…

COLORADO RAPIDS – Dick’s Sporting Goods Park
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Pablo Mastroeni/Ron Burgundy
INTERNATIONAL REBRAND: Colo Colo Colorado
BEST PLAYER NAME TO SAY OUT LOUD: Grant Van De Casteele
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: RapidsMan; The 20 other mascots on staff; Rarely Stan Kroenke
2015 EXPERT PREDICTION: Being the answer to the question “What team am I forgetting in the West?”

FC DALLAS – Toyota Stadium
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Oscar Pareja/Chuck Norris
INTERNATIONAL REBRAND: Texas Rangers
BEST PLAYER NAME TO SAY OUT LOUD: Walker Zimmerman
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Lost high school football fans; Fireworks aficionados; People looking for a nice quiet place to sit and read a book for a few hours
2015 EXPERT PREDICTION: Watching Kyle Bekker spontaneously combust in the Texas sun

HOUSTON DYNAMO – BBVA Compass Stadium
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Owen Coyle/Ian Holloway
INTERNATIONAL REBRAND: Dynamo Hockba
BEST PLAYER NAME TO SAY OUT LOUD: Kofi Sarkodie
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Celebrity cartoon cat Garfield; Spray tan enthusiasts; Orange Julius franchisees
2015 EXPERT PREDICTION: Not rhyming with anything

LOS ANGELES GALAXY- StubHub Center
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Bruce Arena/Kenny Dalglish
INTERNATIONAL REBRAND: LAverpool
BEST PLAYER NAME TO SAY OUT LOUD: Bradford Jamieson IV
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Galaxians; Kardashians; Gargans
2015 EXPERT PREDICTION: Finally allowing Robbie Keane to play alongside his boyhood midfielder, Steven Gerrard

PORTLAND TIMBERS – Providence Park
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Caleb Porter/Some dude who “liked soccer before it was cool”
INTERNATIONAL REBRAND: Hipsternian
BEST PLAYER NAME TO SAY OUT LOUD: Schillo Tshuma
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Hipsters; Lumberjacks; Hipsters dressed as lumberjacks
2015 EXPERT PREDICTION: Missing the playoffs… just to be ironic.

REAL SALT LAKE – Rio Tinto Stadium
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Jeff Cassar/”__________” Osmond
INTERNATIONAL REBRAND: Deportivo de la Utah
BEST PLAYER NAME TO SAY OUT LOUD: Pecka
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Spanish royalty; Stocktons; Malones
2015 EXPERT PREDICTION: Finding the Fake Salt Lake – destroying them.

SAN JOSE EARTHQUAKES – Avaya Stadium
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Dominic Kinnear/Frank Yallop
INTERNATIONAL REBRAND: Bayarea Leverquaken
BEST PLAYER NAME TO SAY OUT LOUD: Innocent Emeghara
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: George Best’s sexy ghost; Buck Shaw’s not-so-sexy ghost; Sporty seismologists
2015 EXPERT PREDICTION: Continuing to celebrate one of the world’s deadliest forces of nature responsible for the deaths of thousands

SEATTLE SOUNDERS – CenturyLink Field
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Sigi Schmid/Bigfoot in a tight scarf
INTERNATIONAL REBRAND: VfB Starbuck
BEST PLAYER NAME TO SAY OUT LOUD: Marco Pappa
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Frasier’s dog; The not-famous one off of Nirvana; Harry… but not The Hendersons
2015 EXPERT PREDICTION: Continuing to invent the sport of soccer

SPORTING KANSAS CITY – Sporting Park
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Peter Vermes/Pedro Veirmeira
INTERNATIONAL REBRAND: B(BQ)enfica
BEST PLAYER NAME TO SAY OUT LOUD: Soni Mustivar
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Portuguese Kansans; Royals; Retired Wizards
2015 EXPERT PREDICTION: Still pretending that whole Lance Armstrong thing didn’t really happen

VANCOUVER WHITECAPS -BC Place
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Carl Robinson/Terry Dunfield
INTERNATIONAL REBRAND: Crystal Meth Palace
BEST PLAYER NAME TO SAY OUT LOUD: Po Modou Kah
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: 50% of Cheech and Chong; Bryant “Big Country” Reeves; Stan Smyl’s moustache
2015 EXPERT PREDICTION: Not winning The Voyageurs Cup

Coming Soon: Not Necessarily the Eastern Conference…