South Couch Report – San Jose vs Toronto

Old San Jose logo with new colours

Old San Jose logo with new colours

Well after a delightful few days away being bad at golf, worse at frisbee, ok at ping pong and, frankly, old at drinking, it’s back home and back to TFC. I didn’t watch the Columbus game beyond the basic highlights, but given that Giovinco wasn’t playing then, and is playing tonight and just how much everything goes through him when he’s there, I’m not worried that I missed out on anything relevant to this game. Hopefully the rest did him good and he’ll be less frustrated and a little sharper and he’ll start getting some goals to show for all the shots.

Here’s your team news

and the subs

Altidore’s on his way back. Hopefully he’s got his official #HamStrong bracelets and sporting undergarments on and can get a run of games in, that’d be nice.  Mainly though I hope Jordan Hamilton gets a hattrick, just so there’s maximum embarassment factor for when they just put Altidore back in anyway once he’s fit.

As for San Jose, well there’s no Marvell Wynne, there is Quincy Amarikwa, but sadly for me Chad ‘The Chad’ Barrett is only on the bench. Boo Dominic Kinnear, boooooo.

Anyway, on to the game. And for some perspective no matter what happens here, remember, we’ve dumped Perquis so it’s all good. Lot of goodwill banked there.

-15′ In the Vancouver vs Orlando warm up, Orlando score first. Excellent.

1′  TFC get a corner early on, Endoh takes it, poorly, but it eventually falls to Osorio who gets a shot off from the top of the box, not a great one and easily blocked.

7′ San Jose get the ball in the net, Bono looks horrible, but it’s ruled out for offside, or handball.

8′ Hamilton with a nice bit of play to create a shot for Giovinco who slips as he shoots and that’s right at the goalie.

10′ Giovinco runs into Bernardez. Looks like a clear foul, but nothing given.

12′ Hamilton gets the ball to Giovinco. he’s about 30 yards out and there’s a couple of guys right in front of him and the chance to set Hamilton free, so of course Seba shoots.  Poor decision, and it’s wide.

16′ Giovinco in behind the defence, apparently not offside but he can’t control the difficult pass, chance lost.

19′ Giovinco fouled, free kick about 25 yards out, Giovinco lets someone else take it. I kid, of course he doesn’t.  Goes wall side again, but slips and thus it goes comically wide.

26′ San Jose with some sustained pressure, ends with a cross to the far post, Amarikwa unmarked, gets a header but Bono with the kick save. #SweetestThing

27′ Quincy Amarikwa tried a bicycle kick, completely missed it.  He actually did that. We make fun, and then he actually goes and tries it. God Bless Amarikwa!  He’s an absolute gem.

29′ Goal Bah, no he isn’t.  Fatty Eyelash gets a cross in and Amarikwa with a very nice sidefoot to clip it past Bono. #Lemon.  Natural Disasters 1 – Unnatural disasters 0.

33′ Yellow card – Fatty Eyelash kicks Osorio.

40′ San Jose with a free kick. fancy routine, stuttering run up, Bernardez absolutely skies it miles over the bar.

41′ Not sure how as tv was showing a reply but Bono came very close to getting caught in possession.  But doesn’t so all good I guess.

42′ Red Card ‘Is it Amarikwa?  Red Card?  No I don’t think so.’ Classic Dobson confusion.  Anyway, Red card to San Jose’s Godoy.

44′ Goal Cross comes in from the right, and Justin Morrow’s there to tap it in.  He in no way does the whole ‘no celebration out of respect for a former team’ thing. He’s quite happy.  Natural Disasters 1-1 Unnatural disasters

45+ whatever’ Giovinco makes a move at the side of the box, fires a decent shot off from a narrow angle. Saved.

Half time.  Well that went from dull to sloppy to wacky, I have no idea what to expect in the 2nd half here.

50′ Cheyrou with a lovely pass to set up a cross, but it goes to no-one. Delicious from Benny Balls though.

53′ Red Card Endoh gets chopped down by Quintero and it’s a red card. Late tackle, catches the ankle, pretty much exactly the same as the first red card.

55′ Giovinco has ball 25 yards out, plenty of players in either colour in front of him.  Shoots. Blocked.

57′ Good spell of pressure, but TFC can’t quite create a scoring chance against the 9 men.

58′ Sub: Amarikwa off Shea Salinas on

59′ Hamilton with a header at the far post, right at Bingham.

61′ Cross comes in, Hamilton gets a flick but an easy save.  Seems like TFC are trying too hard right now, there’s plenty of time, have some patience as axl and colleagues would have said tonight down at the skydome.

68′ Cross comes in, someone gets a head on it, but it goes wide. Still haven’t had one good chance in 15 minutes with a 2 man advantage.

69′ Giovinco gets the ball about 30 yards out, does a nice move to make Wondolowski fall over.  Still plenty of people ahead of him, but he shoots. It goes wide.

71′ Goal hahahahahahah  Dawkins gets the ball way out on the left wing, jinks inside Williams and Beaitashour, who both look very reluctant to try a tackle.  Then he launches a shot from 25 yards out.  Looks to be going at Bono, then it swerves a little bit and Bono is absolutely fooled and it goes in. That’s an ugly ugly goal to let in #Lemon.  TV then shows Giovinco’s reaction, a very wide armed what the fuck kind of look.  Natural Disaster 2-1 Unnatural disasters

73′ Sub, Beitashour off, Babouli on.

74′ Hamilton gets a couple of forearms to the face from Bernardez. Free kick, but no red card.

76′ Sub Osorio, Hamilton out, Hagglund and Delgado in.  Hagglund being thrown on up front.  Seriously, you’ve got a 2 man advantage and ‘put the big fella up there’ is the best you can do?  #Sophisticated.

79′ Giovinco hits one from distance with god knows how many players ahead of him. It goes wide.  So many bad decisions here.

82′ Another Giovinco shot, deflected by Wondolowski.

86′ Endoh, getting booed by the fans, puts a cross in, Hagglund gets to it, header deflected over the bar, probably the closest we’ve come.

87′ From the corner, Giovinco shoots!!!!!  To be fair, he got closer than he has all night, bouncing off the bar and out for a goal kick.

88′ Scramble in the box, but Moor can’t finish, ball comes back in, scramble in the box but Moor can’t finish.

89′ Endoh does a Giovinco and has a shot from a very narrow angle, wallops it over the bar.

89′ Sub: CHAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!  makes sense, he’ll do a lot of running around up front.  On for dawkins.

4 minutes of added time.

90+1′ ‘Giovinco rips one, and misses again’.  Another poor decision to shoot, it’s comical, it really is.

Full time: 9 men Natural Disasters 2-1 Unnatural Disasters.

Abolutely fucking criminal, 40 minutes with a 2 man advantage and never looked like scoring. Just throwing in hopeless crosses, or Giovinco shooting from everywhere, that’s all.  How does the coach change that?  By taking off Hamilton for Hagglund???!!!  The student of the game just finished his ‘1980’s england’ semester?

Quote of the game – We’ve seen them lose over the years in some remarkable ways, but that has to be at or near the top of the list in that department – Gerry Dobson.

Man of the Match : No-one really, Endoh was very very involved, drew 2 red cards, put a lot of crosses in.  Meh though.

Goat of the Game : Game as a whole would be Giovinco for so many horrible shots, but really, you can’t look beyond Bono.  Had some shaky moments and then an absolutely atrocious goal to let in.

Ref Rating : 1 out of 5.  Hadn’t reffed an mls game in years. Won’t ref another one for even more years. Had a bit of a shocker. Changed the game with 2 reds and then no-one wanted to try tackling anyone.

I Am Not The Gaffer, But… : For the love of god, you had 40 minutes with a 2man advantage and not only can you not find the winner, you actually give it up.  Sometimes shit happens, but TFC looked absolutely clueless and toothless, they had no ideas, and Vanney’s big solution was to take Hamilton and Osorio off for Hagglund and Delgado, and basically throw Hagglund and Moor up front and just throw crosses in?  That’s just outrageously poor. Given how many people were slipping on the pitch, probably for the best to not try Altidore there, won’t complain about that one.

In Case You PVR’d It : Watch it all, a weird weird game, and an epic example of #ThatsSoTFC.

Player Ratings: Bono 3, Beitashour 5 (babouli n/a), Moor, 6, Williams 5, Morrow 6, Cheyrou 6, Chapman 5, Endoh 6, Osorio 5.5 (Hagglund n/a), Hamilton 6 (Delgado n/a), Giovinco 4.

Author: Duncan Fletcher

Blogging journeyman formerly of Cruel Geography and Waking the Red, also briefly with Sportsnet and every now and then with the Guardian. As a supporter of Darlington, TFC, England and Canada, football's been unfair and poking fun at Duncan for decades now, so it's only fair he does the same right back at it. Follow him on twitter @duncandfletcher

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1 Comment

  1. I think it is best we don’t comment on this game, it would bring too much anger and hostilities into the open. I will though add that I think you can add Williams to the goat list in that game, he was complicit in both SJ goals.

    Now here is how to cross and score:

    Dempsey and Lexus bugle the old onion bag

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