South Couch Report : Toronto v Las Angeles Original Recipe

LA Galaxy as the LA Aztecs

The Part I Write Before :

So, if you happen to be the one person who reads this drivel and doesn’t listen to the podcast, I’ve sold my tickets for this game. No regrets. Let the Zlatan fanboys have at it. Also, public transit redirections aside makes this game not worth the bullshit.

I am oddly optimistic as Toronto is in a ‘what else do we have to live for’ situation for their post-season lives, and that desperation is exactly what should motivate them to be competent in the back, and creative up top.

Bold Predictions :

  1. Toronto scores
  2. Zlatan doesn’t, but when he just misses you’ll hear a roar from the crowd you’ve never heard before
  3. A general stupid red card for either side

On to the Match :

5′ – GOAL – Van der Weil hooks a wonderful looping ball and finds Vazquez in front of his marker, heading the ball down and putting it well out of reach.


12′ – Ibrahimovic breaks down the right side, gets a shot at Bono. Easily parries it around the post. No unique roar. Yet.

15′ – GOAL – Wonderful bit of not giving up. Altidore gets the ball, loses control, defender knocks it back to Osorio, lays it off to Altidore, settles it, and fires it past the keeper.

21′ – Galaxy corner lays at the feet of Alessandrini and he gets nothing on it and it ends up in Bono’s hands

22′ – Zavaleta sends a ball up to Vazquez, takes a touch, tries to chip the keeper, but doesn’t get enough height and is easily redirected

28′ – YELLOW – Osorio for something.

35′ – Seba free kick from 20-ish yards out floats over the wall, but caught by the keeper.

36′ – GOAL – Van der Weil lays a ball off for Giovinco, tries to do a 1-2 with Altidore, but Jozy gets hauled down and Seba picks up his own pass, and fires it far post.

What the actual fuck, Toronto?

44′ – GOAL – You’re going to see this a pile of times, but Zlatan Ibrahimovic fucking roundhouses the over the top cross and tucks it into the inside post. And yes, there was a roar unheard before.

Halftime Mood : Toronto bagged three very nice goals and all we’re going to talk about is the other fucking goal. Can’t even win the narrative tonight.

54′ – GOAL – Dos Santos with a free kick floated into the box and an open Hello Kamara heads it into the far post.

Damn, you can hear the unease in the crowd…

57′ – Hagglund slots a ball through to Altidore, ruins two defenders 12 yards out, and fires it wide of the net. So good but so tragic.

58′ – GOAL – OMFG. Feltscher heads in a cross. I’m missing a classic. Or a classic collapse.

65′ – SUB – Janson on for Vazquez.

76′ – GOAL – Delgado crosses a ball, and Osorio stays onside to head the ball in. This game is officially bananas.

78′ – YELLOW – Altidore for a late tackle on Dos Santos.

80′ – SUB – Altidore off for Chapman

86′ – Seba corner nearly curls into the goal unaided, but the keeper gets to it at the last moment.

89′ – Seba gets the ball from the side, sees an open Chapman, fires back but Cashley Cole clears it off the line.

3 mins of extra time

90+1′ – Boateng gets a booking, Zlatan comes into interject after Bradley inserts himself into the discussion, then after the referee hands up the card, the two continue to chirp at each other for a minute or so. I could only imagine what they were saying to each other. Then…

90+3′ – GOAL – CHAPPERS! Morrow slots a ball through to Giovinco, stopped by the keeper, rebound comes waaaaay out for Chapman, who absolutely buries it from the top of the box. Magical.

Full Time : Toronto 5, Los Angeles 3

Man of the Match : Giovinco. He had a nice goal but he set up a lot of chances all night long.
Goat of the Game : you think with conceding three goals there should be a nominee, but I’m struggling to just name anyone.
Ref Rating : 3 out of 5. Called it mostly down the middle, might have been able to give out a card or two more, but pleased over all.
I Am Not The Gaffer, But… : why are the games playing out like this?
In Case You PVR’d It : you’d be insane not to watch the whole thing.

Bold Predictions Results :

  1. Nailed it. Oh, they did alright.
  2. Failed it. Got the crowd reaction rate, just not the reason.
  3. Failed it. I figured it was going to be low-scoring and Chippy, not high scoring a defensively questionable. I had my reasons with this one.

Regret level of selling off tickets, 3 out of 5.  Yes, it turned out to be an absolute nutter of a match, but wrapping my head around how long it would take to get in and get out wasn’t worth it (FYI, GO Transit is messing with weekend schedules for the next few months)… Vazquez, Altidore and Giovinco all scoring.  Add Osorio, it gets better.  Add Chapman and it becomes a little confusing (sorry Jay, but look at your company)… Could LA not assigned Jameson IV the squad number of 4?… PLEASE let there be audio of the chirping between Zlatan and Bradley. It had to be amazing dialogue… I am going to miss this season’s (and, well, also last season’s) home kits. Symbolic and all that shit… The game has ended about 15 minutes ago and I’ve already watched Zlatan’s goal about 14 times.  The love/hate of that guy is so conflicting… If you watched it at home or could see the gaffer, didn’t that charity scarf look like he was just wearing Galaxy colours? I did double take more than once as the camera panned to him.

Player Ratings: Bono 6, Zavaleta 6, Hagglund 6, Van der Weil 6, Morrow 6, Bradley 6.5, Vazquez 7 (Janson N/A), Delgado 6.5, Osorio 7.5, Altidore 7.5 (Chapman 7), Giovinco 8.5

Unused Substitutions: Irwin, Morgan, Hernandez, Telfer, Ricketts

Author: Mark Hinkley

Mark is a full-time graphic designer, full-time smart ass and full-time logo, stadium and kit nerd. When he isn't writing ridiculous match reports or redesigning logos for his own amusement, he's salivating over the day that promotion and relegation occurs in MLS. You can follow him @kitnerdmark on the twitterz.

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  1. GALAXZLATANS is a new word I cannot pronounce along with old words like facetious.

    This whole thing, that you can stand offside, gain the territorial advantage and be onside when the play catches up to you…is ridiculous, but reality in today’s FIFA. It also has confounded Zav and Hagglund all spring and summer-long. Zalatan WAS offside, until Zav ran back to mark someone else, Hagglund ran into the 6 yard box and left the 18 yard box empty on the third goal. AND Kamara was offside on the second, but hell, this is the MLS and PRO is running things, Mr VAR. VAR is fraught with politics between the officials. No PRO member wants to override their senior who is out on the pitch.

    That Zatan goal was cool (or do we say dope, these days) and the Zalatan vs the Bradley family, heads north after the game.

    BTW – straight red on the “the Thug”, Alonzo , in Vancouver. Attempts to fracture a leg is a red, PRO and Mr. VAR.

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