SuperDaft: Observations From The 1st Round
MLS SuperDraft. About as “super” as Aquaman on land.
While my learned colleagues here at The Vocal Minority were busy doing “research” and “serious writing” regarding Toronto FC’s dealings, I went on assignment on the sidelines. When you troll the spaces in between the picks, you find the weird and wonderful “other stuff” that happens which makes this day so “super”. Alas mere mortals, if you didn’t get your shiny cape back from the dry cleaner in time and missed the show, here are some observations that won’t likely make the highlight package. Super!
- Commissioner Dong Grabber gets the classic “booooooo” job from the Philly crowd. No word if anyone was saying “Booo-urns”.
- Landon Donovan is as effective a motivational speaker as he is an erotic water sipper.
- Orlando City superfan “That Purple Unicorn Guy” went full horn when Canadian U-20 starlet Cyle Larin was taken 1st Overall by The Lions.
- Montreal management were immediately horrified after realizing their 3rd Overall pick is named “Romario” not “Mario” and is NOT a 35-year old Italian.
- Bow ties are very hot right now!
- TFC punners breathed a sigh of relief as it turns out that 4th Overall pick Fatai Alashe’s name is NOT pronounced “Fatty Eyelash”. No great loss.
- Everyone taking time to thank God. Few have thanked Kreis.
- In true hipster fashion, Portland supporters immediately claimed that “Nick Besler is the new Matt Besler”.
- With the 6th pick, Toronto FC take Syracuse keeper Bono. My online scouting report revealed he has recently had major reconstructive elbow surgery, has glaucoma and his last album, which was forced onto iTunes subscribers, was a PR nightmare. His nickname is of course: “The Edge”.
- New Houston Dynamo manager Owen Coyle totally thought that The SuperDraft was a Major League Soccer pub night.
- Every university is apparently “the best” university according to the draft picks. No one has had the balls to big up The Sorbonne yet.
- TFC takes a dramatic time out… the room falls silent… Don Garber prepares to announce the pick… he mutters something vaguely foreign. It sounds like “cinnamon”. Heads explode.
- The Reds went off the range and took French defender Clement Simonin who wasn’t projected to… get drafted… and was not invited to the Combine. Wheeeee! Sounds fun and has been given the layered nickname “Pinball Clement”. Still, #NoArgosAtBMO
- Saying “The MLS” is still a thing apparently.
- Broadcasters losing their minds that guy that almost sounds like Cristiano Ronaldo still undrafted.
- TFC Support Local Football and draft Durham Region defender Skylar Thomas. Nickname pending a quality Breaking Bad gag. For now he is simply “1st Round Pickering”
- MLS SuperDraft time outs are the leading cause of getting up and going to take a piss break… and little else.
- First trade of the day. Some nonsense about pick swapping between the league’s two glamour clubs Columbus and Colorado. How I heard it: “Columbus Crew have traded the three construction workers from their old badge to Colorado for ex-mascot RapidMan and futures.” Solid deal.
- 6’7″ Swedish defenders look hilarious next to league commissioners. Fact.
- Robbie Earle’s son just got drafted. I’m old.
- Real Salt Lake trade their pick blah, blah, blah to Seattle for their pick blah, blah, blah and an Xbox. Seattle use that pick to put broadcasters out of misery and draft Almost-Cristiano Ronaldo.
- Leo Stolz looks NOTHING like Eric Stoltz. Disappointing. #Mask
- Mock drafts have proven to be exactly as valuable as mock chicken loaf – not very.
- MLS Cup winners LA Galaxy end the 1st Round in the most “super” way possible – drafting a guy that almost sounds like Magneto from X-Men in Ignacio Maganto.
- For SuperDraft lower round coverage, refer to this past Monday’s Starting 11 and figure out why this ends right here. Up, up and away!