THE STARTING 11: Advantages That Could Help TFC Win


God bless Greg Vanney’s salmon-coloured cotton socks. Our tactical “student of the game” is just so tactically tactile that he managed to make his “MLS Cup contender” side chase a game and lose beyond all odds to one of the league’s lesser clubs. Did we mention that said lesser side had NINE MEN for a huge chunk of the match? Yeah that. But it made us wonder, if a two man advantage for nearly half a match isn’t enough to secure three points for TFC – what would be?

11. Opposition forced to wear corduroy sport suit third kits

10. Personal diary of other team’s goalkeeper read aloud over PA

9. The smooth sounds of Kenny G. pumped into opposition locker room during prematch

8. Opposing managers have to wear funny hats

7. Sideline Gatorade replaced with seasonal Shamrock Shakes

6. Force opponents to crash into each other by putting all the Pokemons onto the backs of their kits

5. Replace fans behind Toronto goalkeeper with a troupe of erotic mimes

4. Just before kickoff ask their star if he’s “ever had his cap wonked”

3. 90 minutes of hilarious “Borat” impressions

2. Intimidate opponents with our three roofs… that aren’t quite roofs!!!

1. Don’t answer the door when they arrive at the stadium

Author: Tony Walsh

Tony Walsh is a writer, former minor-league broadcaster and failed astronaut. Born into supporting an underachieving football club only to end up supporting a second underachieving football club - through what must be deemed as soft immigration policies - he continues to make terrible life choices. Walsh is a keen observer of the malarkey-rife sport of football and is considered one of the leading voices on the Collin Samuel Obesity Epidemic.

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