THE STARTING 11: Other Ways MLSE Plans To Keep The Pitch Pristine

The Wembley groundskeepers say it will be just fine...

The Wembley groundskeepers say it will be just fine…

In their latest charm offensive to the soccer-lovers in their extended family, MLSE went out of their way to soothe a major fear this week – the BMO Field pitch. The latest chapter in “this Argos thing is no biggie, yo” sees the owners growing extra pitches to be trucked in from a place called Mount Hope – which has to be to the most MLSE-named place ever. Despite the remote grow op, it still may not be enough to keep the grass looking good. But not to fear – there are other plans in place…

11. No heavy trophy celebrations

10. Timbits kids have to drop fresh blades of grass at halftime like a mini Shawshank Redemption

9. Bitchy the Hawk outfitted with crop dusting mechanics on her talons

8. Argos have been asked nicely to “take it easy with the tackling and stuff”

7. Greg Vanney to distract crowd with selection of green dress shirts

6. TFC only allowed to run in counter-clockwise pattern

5. Two other BMO Fields being built on Mount Doom

4. Canopies replaced with greenhouses

3. Just close your eyes and say “Winter Classic” over and over again until it all goes away

2. Reds’ defenders to save turf by avoiding damaging tracking-back and man-marking

1. Gridiron lines only referred to as “distinguished pinstripes”

Author: Tony Walsh

Tony Walsh is a writer, former minor-league broadcaster and failed astronaut. Born into supporting an underachieving football club only to end up supporting a second underachieving football club - through what must be deemed as soft immigration policies - he continues to make terrible life choices. Walsh is a keen observer of the malarkey-rife sport of football and is considered one of the leading voices on the Collin Samuel Obesity Epidemic.

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