THE STARTING 11: Ways That TIFF Would Be Different If TFC Organized It

Hawks love melted butter. Fact.

Hawks love melted butter. Fact.

Glitz, glamour… probably Tara Reid! For the next two weeks this city is the mecca of all things show and business as the Toronto International Film Festival holds court. Now in its 40th year, TIFF is one of Toronto’s biggest annual events as media from across North America and the world converge on downtown theatres and hotspots. While the organizers do a fantastic job, we can’t help but wonder what the festival would be like if a real load of drama queens – Toronto FC – were running the show instead…

11. Harsh film critics drowned out and admonished for not being “real fans”

10. Head usher Michael Bradley confounds audiences with constant marauding runs up and down theatre aisles

9. Films not allowed to start until a hawk flies down from the projector room and steals someone’s Junior Mints

8. Attendance in 500-seat cinema announced at well over 20,000

7. Celebrities walking the red carpet forced to pass humiliating Tunnel Club

6. Hollywood studios clamour to purchase the rights to the next potential blockbuster using allocation money

5. The touching ceremony where Mista receives his Lifetime Achievement Award

4. The “Jackson Nip Slip” paparazzi scandal

3. Greg Vanney’s salmon tuxedo

2. Sebastian Giovinco a lock for “Best Short”

1. Canadians still can’t land a starring role


Author: Tony Walsh

Tony Walsh is a writer, former minor-league broadcaster and failed astronaut. Born into supporting an underachieving football club only to end up supporting a second underachieving football club - through what must be deemed as soft immigration policies - he continues to make terrible life choices. Walsh is a keen observer of the malarkey-rife sport of football and is considered one of the leading voices on the Collin Samuel Obesity Epidemic.

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