MASCOT HYSTERIA: Kickeroo v Tigrao
Fluff you! It’s time for another round of the football mascot equivalent to Mortal Kombat – Mascot Hysteria! Finish him! Erm… it!
Sammy the Stag is adamant that this result is a massive cover-up that involves the shadiest global plush material industrialists – and The Bee Gees – but he’s not surprised. No, Sammy has been telling everyone in Mansfield that his reign as Mascot Hysteria champion would never be allowed to continue because “The Man” wouldn’t let it happen. Sadly Sammy’s theories are misplaced and the suspicious deer was simply out voted by fans in favour of the USL’s angriest, most displaced mascot – Richmond Kickers’ irate marsupial Kickeroo. With an aggregate vote tally of 65%, Kickeroo angrily hops into the next round as the new champ.
Time to put your loose change in the useless pocket of your KangaROOS running shoes as the battle moves into another round and introduces a new challenger. As always, it’s you the Vocal Minority reader who decides the winner so ponder the plush and vote! Simply do one of the following: put the name of your winner in the comments section (Comments always welcome!); vote in the handy poll below; or, send the name of your winner to @vocalminorityCA on Twitter with the hashtag #MascotHysteria
CLUB: Richmond Kickers
TALE OF THE TAPE
HEIGHT: 5’8″ (6’11” in full hop)
WEIGHT: 180 lbs.
BIOGRAPHY: He comes from the land down under… Washington D.C. … and is one of North America’s most displaced football mascot species. Originally from Australia – duh – Kickeroo left the Southern Hemisphere for a well-documented but sadly stunted dream of appearing in “Crocodile Dundee 4: Capital Croc”. Disillusioned with “The American Dream” and what he calls “the systemic anti-roo hiring policies of Outback Steakhouse”, Kickeroo fell on well-documented hard times before finding his calling as Richmond Kickers’ somewhat troubling mascot.
While Kickeroo has settled down since finding full time employment with the USL club, he will never shake his natural Australian tendency to fly off the handle for no reason. Whether he is stuffing a fourth official’s head into his mucus-filled pouch or travelling to D.C. just to urinate on the New Zealand Embassy, Kickeroo shows no sign of forgetting his brawling past. With a furrowed brow and 24-inch “python” calf muscles, this mate is never far from becoming “inmate”.
CATCHPHRASE: “You’re gonna ROO the day you met Kickeroo!”
CLUB: Criciuma Esporte Clube
TALE OF THE TAPE
WEIGHT 210 lbs.
SPECIES: Amazonian Anger Cat
BIOGRAPHY: “Jesus Christ – just don’t eat my child!” is likely the most heard refrain (it sounds more dramatic in Portuguese) around the most furious mascot in all of Brazil – Tigrao! You’ve heard of a perma-smile? Well meet the perma-snarl. This buff feline from the southern reaches of the Brazilian Coast leaves no room for doubt with his far from subtle expression, his tendency for whipping the Criciuma support into a mad frenzy and – most disturbingly – his smooth, hairless crotch.
Tigrao wasn’t always such a furious beast, having grown up in an upper-middle class family of tigers in the lush Brazilian jungles where his father Tigrao Sr. was a tiger lawyer and his mother Lola taught at the local tiger high school. However, when the infamous Brazilian logging industry forced his family out of their longtime home Tigrao grew dark and world weary. Moving to Criciuma with its laid back beach lifestyle didn’t suit Tigrao until he finally found a way to channel his rage by becoming the mascot for the local football club.
Sadly, Criciuma Esporte Clube has had a number of setbacks (including a 2015 relegation) which have only added to Tigrao’s natural anger at… well… everything. Aside from matchday mascot duties, Tigrao is available for children’s birthday parties (kids infuriate him), visiting the wards of local hospitals (he hates sick people) and doing charity work (donate or get bitten). In his free time, Tigrao enjoys growling, maiming and blood.