MASCOT HYSTERIA: Kickeroo v Tigrao

Mascot Hysteria

Fluff you! It’s time for another round of the football mascot equivalent to Mortal Kombat – Mascot Hysteria! Finish him! Erm… it!

Sammy the Stag is adamant that this result is a massive cover-up that involves the shadiest global plush material industrialists – and The Bee Gees – but he’s not surprised. No, Sammy has been telling everyone in Mansfield that his reign as Mascot Hysteria champion would never be allowed to continue because “The Man” wouldn’t let it happen.  Sadly Sammy’s theories are misplaced and the suspicious deer was simply out voted by fans in favour of the USL’s angriest, most displaced mascot – Richmond Kickers’ irate marsupial Kickeroo. With an aggregate vote tally of 65%, Kickeroo angrily hops into the next round as the new champ.

Time to put your loose change in the useless pocket of your KangaROOS running shoes as the battle moves into another round and introduces a new challenger. As always, it’s you the Vocal Minority reader who decides the winner so ponder the plush and vote! Simply do one of the following: put the name of your winner in the comments section (Comments always welcome!); vote in the handy poll below; or, send the name of your winner to @vocalminorityCA on Twitter with the hashtag #MascotHysteria

Mascots… FIGHT!

THE CHAMPION

Kickaroo

NAME: Kickeroo
CLUB: Richmond Kickers

TALE OF THE TAPE

HEIGHT: 5’8″ (6’11” in full hop)
WEIGHT: 180 lbs.
ACCENT: Confusing

SPECIES: Sparsupial

BIOGRAPHY: He comes from the land down under… Washington D.C. … and is one of North America’s most displaced football mascot species. Originally from Australia – duh – Kickeroo left the Southern Hemisphere for a well-documented but sadly stunted dream of appearing in “Crocodile Dundee 4: Capital Croc”. Disillusioned with “The American Dream” and what he calls “the systemic anti-roo hiring policies of Outback Steakhouse”, Kickeroo fell on well-documented hard times before finding his calling as Richmond Kickers’ somewhat troubling mascot.
While Kickeroo has settled down since finding full time employment with the USL club, he will never shake his natural Australian tendency to fly off the handle for no reason. Whether he is stuffing a fourth official’s head into his mucus-filled pouch or travelling to D.C. just to urinate on the New Zealand Embassy, Kickeroo shows no sign of forgetting his brawling past. With a furrowed brow and 24-inch “python” calf muscles, this mate is never far from becoming “inmate”.

CATCHPHRASE: “You’re gonna ROO the day you met Kickeroo!”

THE CHALLENGER

Tigrao

NAME: Tigrao
CLUB: Criciuma Esporte Clube

TALE OF THE TAPE

HEIGHT: 6′
WEIGHT 210 lbs.
GROOMING: Brazilian

SPECIES: Amazonian Anger Cat

BIOGRAPHY: “Jesus Christ – just don’t eat my child!” is likely the most heard refrain (it sounds more dramatic in Portuguese) around the most furious mascot in all of Brazil – Tigrao! You’ve heard of a perma-smile? Well meet the perma-snarl. This buff feline from the southern reaches of the Brazilian Coast leaves no room for doubt with his far from subtle expression, his tendency for whipping the Criciuma support into a mad frenzy and – most disturbingly – his smooth, hairless crotch.

Tigrao wasn’t always such a furious beast, having grown up in an upper-middle class family of tigers in the lush Brazilian jungles where his father Tigrao Sr. was a tiger lawyer and his mother Lola taught at the local tiger high school. However, when the infamous Brazilian logging industry forced his family out of their longtime home Tigrao grew dark and world weary. Moving to Criciuma with its laid back beach lifestyle didn’t suit Tigrao until he finally found a way to channel his rage by becoming the mascot for the local football club.

Sadly, Criciuma Esporte Clube has had a number of setbacks (including a 2015 relegation) which have only added to Tigrao’s natural anger at… well… everything. Aside from matchday mascot duties, Tigrao is available for children’s birthday parties (kids infuriate him), visiting the wards of local hospitals (he hates sick people) and doing charity work (donate or get bitten). In his free time, Tigrao enjoys growling, maiming and blood.

CATCHPHRASE: (Indecipherable)

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Author: Tony Walsh

Tony Walsh is a writer, former minor-league broadcaster and failed astronaut. Born into supporting an underachieving football club only to end up supporting a second underachieving football club - through what must be deemed as soft immigration policies - he continues to make terrible life choices. Walsh is a keen observer of the malarkey-rife sport of football and is considered one of the leading voices on the Collin Samuel Obesity Epidemic.

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4 Comments

  1. Poor Tigrao. it’s understandable he’s angry after he missed out on the frosties commerical cos he couldn’t get past the grrrrrrr part of grrrrreat!

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  2. Sorry to see the end of Sammy the Stag. He’s probably gone on a bender and impaled himself on his antlers.

    There’s a lot of anger going on with these competitors – but Kickeroo looks snarkier, so he gets my vote. Plus I’m kind of frightened by that Tiger’s enormous head.

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  3. I voted Kickeroo last round but no way he could beat Tigrao – look at the anger!

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    • Remember the wackiness of Cozmo and the goofiness of roelio? mascot hysteria has taken a frightening turn these last few weeks.

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