Get Your F-IX: Know Your TFC 2015

That new team smell!

That new team smell!

As your brand spanking new Tee Eff Cees embark on their “Quest for a Play-In Match”, we bring you this handy A(ltidore) to Z(avaleta) guide to the 2015 squad. Chock full of hard-hitting investigative journalism, fascinating statistics* and shocking facts* (*not necessarily statistical) (* not entirely factual), we urge you to print up this list, stick it to your fridge, above your toilet or to someone you love and see how many of these lads are here in October.

#17 JOZY ALTIDORE – F
NATION: USA
NICKNAME: “Joe-Z”
SHOCKING FACT*: Was awarded a heritage preservation award in Sunderland for his help in protecting the sides of barns in the Wearside-area
PREDICTION: Having every chance to be the striker TFC has sought since 2006

#34 MANUEL APARICIO – M
NATION: Canada
NICKNAME: “The Apparition”
SHOCKING FACT*: Was born into a long bloodline of tiny Argentine illusionists
PREDICTION: Walking next to Giovinco to feel tall

#12 JOE BENDIK – GK
NATION: USA
NICKNAME: “Super Pickle”
SHOCKING FACT*: Once cleared a ball so horizontally he gave away a corner
PREDICTION: Launching balls into the fancy sideline tables. Hilariously ruining the cocktails of the wealthy.

#28 MARK BLOOM – D
NATION: USA
NICKNAME: “Middle Class Mark Bloom”
SHOCKING FACT*: Finally able to purchase his dream car – a 1997 Dodge Caravan
PREDICTION: Being 100% completely adequate

#25 ALEX BONO – GK
NATION: USA
NICKNAME: “Sonny”; “The Edge”
SHOCKING FACT*: Refused to join both a U2 and a Sonny & Cher tribute act while in university
PREDICTION: Hearing us sing “I Got You Babe” every time he makes a save

#4 MICHAEL BRADLEY- M
NATION: USA
NICKNAME: “The General”; “The Capnapper”
SHOCKING FACT*: Has a luxurious full head of hair but thinks it makes him look like a “damn little kid”
PREDICTION: Playing too deep; Decision-making; Talking in monotone

#13 STEVEN CALDWELL – D
NATION: Scotland
NICKNAME: “McFlapper”; “The Flappin’ Ex-Cap’n”
SHOCKING FACT*: Successfully sued three used car dealerships for unlicensed use of his inflatable likeness
PREDICTION: Looking smug every time Michael Bradley gets sent off

#14 JAY CHAPMAN – M
NATION: Canada
NICKNAME: “Cheeky Chappy”
SHOCKING FACT*: Is 41st in line for the Chapman’s Ice Cream fortune
PREDICTION: Surpassing Kyle Bekker’s contribution to TFC before June

#8 BENOIT CHEYROU- M
NATION: France
NICKNAME: “Le Jet”; “Benoit Balles”
SHOCKING FACT*: Will open his first bistro, “Chez Rou”, in BMO Field’s new “Tunnel Club”
PREDICTION: Horrifying locals by calling Tim Hortons coffee and croissants “a crime against humanity”

#3 WARREN CREAVALLE – D
NATION: USA
NICKNAME: “Big Daddy Creavalle”
SHOCKING FACT*: Won MLS’s Flattest Cameo Award in 2013
PREDICTION: Not half steppin’

#18 MARKY DELGADO – D
NATION: USA
NICKNAME: “Carlos”
SHOCKING FACT*: Is one of 800 former Chivas USA players and staff now with TFC
PREDICTION: Talking about how cold it is here. A lot.

#7 BRIGHT DIKE – F
NATION: USA/Nigeria
NICKNAME: “Carnage”
SHOCKING FACT*: Once tore his rotator cuff eating a ham sandwich
PREDICTION: Tearing his rotator cuff eating a ham sandwich

#55 ROBBIE FINDLAY – F
NATION: USA
NICKNAME: “Ro-Fi”
SHOCKING FACT*: Despite a long career at Real Salt Lake, he never met any members of the Spanish Royal Family
PREDICTION: Not looking quite so useful when salaries are released

#10 SEBASTIAN GIOVINCO – M
NATION: Italy
NICKNAME: “The Atomic Ant”
SHOCKING FACT*: Flew to Toronto in a First Class overhead bin
PREDICTION: Looking at MLS referees with exasperation

#11 JACKSON – M
NATION: Brazil
NICKNAME: “Infraction Jackson”
SHOCKING FACT*: His newborn child received a red card in the delivery room
PREDICTION: Wildly tackling his way through life

#6 NICK HAGGLUND – D
NATION: USA
NICKNAME: “Hagglund The Unhorrible”
SHOCKING FACT*: Spent his entire rookie salary buying all of the remaining Flowbee Haircutting Systems in North America
PREDICTION: Waiting for Steven Caldwell’s inevitable summer release

#22 JORDAN HAMILTON – F
NATION: Canada
NICKNAME: “Air Scarborough”
SHOCKING FACT*: Has never been to Hamilton
PREDICTION: Learning the fastest route between Downtown Toronto and Vaughan

#1 CHRIS KONOPKA – GK
NATION: KONOPKA HOUSE!
NICKNAME: “CHRIS KONOOOPPPKA!” (Pronounced like “Captain Caveman”)
SHOCKING FACT*: FIRE BAD!
PREDICTION: BREAK ROCK!

#19 DANIEL LOVITZ – M
NATION: USA
NICKNAME: “The Critic”
SHOCKING FACT: Has been a member of NYCFC longer than Frank Lampard
PREDICTION: Not playing poorly enough for fans to yell “It stinks!” at him

#20 CHRIS MANNELLA – M
NATION: Canada
NICKNAME: “Half Man. Half Nutella.”
SHOCKING FACT*: No one quite knows what he looks like
PREDICTION: Signing autographs and watching people walking away reading it to see who that was

#27 LUKE MOORE – F
NATION: England
NICKNAME: “Dudley”; “Lessis”
SHOCKING FACT*: That HE’S the English striker who remains from 2014
PREDICTION: Not taking penalty kicks

#5 ASHTONE MORGAN – D
NATION: Canada
NICKNAME: “#NastyHealthyScratch”
SHOCKING FACT*: His career arc once intersected with Doneil Henry’s
PREDICTION: Solid minutes in the Canadian Championship. Little else.

#2 JUSTIN MORROW – D
NATION: USA
NICKNAME: “2Morrow”
SHOCKING FACT: Is the most valuable player on TFC
PREDICTION: Traded to Colorado for allocation money

#21 JONATHAN OSORIO – M
NATION: Canada
NICKNAME: “Oso”; “Jon-O-Vision”
SHOCKING FACT*: Blamed sophomore jinx on Uruguayan economy
PREDICTION: Being forced to the wing. Drifting into the center.

#24 DAMIEN PERQUIS – D
NATION: France/Poland
NICKNAME: “The French Polisher”
SHOCKING FACT*: His website.
PREDICTION: “Pair-kissing” to become MLS’ most controversial goal celebration

#40 QUILLAN ROBERTS – GK
NATION: Canada
NICKNAME: “Q”
SHOCKING FACT*: Lists Seal’s third full studio album “Human Being” as the single most important influence on his playing career
PREDICTION: Spending time at Wonderland riding roller coasters alone between TFC II matches

#26 COLLEN WARNER – M
NATION: USA
NICKNAME: “Colleen”
SHOCKING FACT*: Challenged Aurelien Collin to a fight in attempt to steal a spelling of his name closer to actual “Colin”
PREDICTION: After two week training stint at Werder Bremen, referring to self as “Ex-Bundesliga star Collen Warner”

#15 ERIQ ZAVALETA – D
NATION: USA
NICKNAME: “The Nifty Nephew”
SHOCKING FACT*: Cried when he found out that his uncle was Greg Vanney and not Bruce Arena
PREDICTION: Getting a smack every time he says “Unky Greg” out loud

Author: Tony Walsh

Tony Walsh is a writer, former minor-league broadcaster and failed astronaut. Born into supporting an underachieving football club only to end up supporting a second underachieving football club - through what must be deemed as soft immigration policies - he continues to make terrible life choices. Walsh is a keen observer of the malarkey-rife sport of football and is considered one of the leading voices on the Collin Samuel Obesity Epidemic.

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