MASCOT HYSTERIA: Cozmo vs Rockin’ Robin

Mascot Hysteria

Welcome to the very first match-up in what is quite possibly the world’s leading online football mascot battle – Mascot Hysteria! Every fortnight, (mascots love the Queen’s English. Fact.), we will bring you a head-to-head battle of two football club mascots – and then you, the Vocal Minority reader, will decide which of our furry, fluffy, googly-eyed heroes wins the match and stays on to defend their title!

It is a great responsibility we are bestowing upon you dear readers. Put your club allegiances aside and after considering the nearly somewhat facts offered in each challenger’s section, make the call on who wins this fact-to-beak-to-snout-to-miscellaneous fight.  The high-end Vocal Minority International Mascot Database, (located somewhere kilometres beneath The Alps – we think) will keep a tally of which mascot holds the title the longest, and that fuzzy bastard will be crowned the overall champion at year’s end.

Vote early and vote often readers.  Simply put the name of your winner in the comments section below (your reasons for your vote are always welcome!) or send the name of your winner to our Twitter account @vocalminorityCA with the hashtag #MascotHysteria

As the title is currently vacant, we start with two new challengers this week as MLS Cup Winning Cozmo of the LA Galaxy takes on Swindon Town’s Rockin’ Robin!  Suit up lads – May the most mascottiest of all mascots win!











  • NAME: Cozmo
  • CLUB: Los Angeles Galaxy


  • Height: 5’7”
  • Weight: 155 lbs.
  • Pupils: Dilated

SPECIES: Unspecified (Possible extraterrestrial and/or Muppet)

BIOGRAPHY:  Cozmo’s origins are as much a mystery as his species.  Claiming to have crashed to Earth in a failed attempt to retrieve his planet’s queen (Victoria Beckham), Cozmo decided instead to make suburban Los Angeles his home.  Drawn by the bright lights and starlets of Hollywood, Cozmo has become a hit on the socialite circuit, dating numerous Kardashians, Hiltonses and Donovi.

Controversy found the Galaxy playboy however, when paparazzi program TMZ claimed to have proof that Cozmo was actually a former Jim Henson Muppet character that was expelled from the famous puppet factory roster due to his extreme Ecstasy addiction and unpredictable mood swings.  Earthbound or not, many have been mesmerized by his elderly British man’s eyebrows, making leaving your drink unattended around this navy blue bad boy always a no-no.

CATCHPHRASE:  “I have to drop my pants…cuz I’m Outta Space!”



Rockin Robin










  • NAME: Rockin’ Robin
  • CLUB: Swindon Town FC


  • Height: 5’10”
  • Weight: 200 lbs.
  • Breast: Red

SPECIES: Great Wiltshire Stabber Robin

BIOGRAPHY: After being cut during the audition process for the original Angry Birds video game, Rockwell Robin III led a life of vice throughout the western regions of England. Briefly a hit in the all-male mascot strip club scene due to his bulbous red breast, Rockwell found himself unfulfilled and becoming a disgrace to his family name.

It was a phone call from fellow Robin, Robin Gibb, that turned Rockwell’s life around and saw him harness his stripper moves into wholesome family gyrations while his natural anger was channelled into taunting the opposition of his new employer Swindon Town FC. Also, knife fighting. “Rockin'” as he goes by now is married to a former Miss Wiltshire and enjoys twigs and staring at Oxford menacingly.

CATCHPHRASE: “Your bird is angry… that I didn’t call her back!”

Author: Tony Walsh

Tony Walsh is a writer, former minor-league broadcaster and failed astronaut. Born into supporting an underachieving football club only to end up supporting a second underachieving football club - through what must be deemed as soft immigration policies - he continues to make terrible life choices. Walsh is a keen observer of the malarkey-rife sport of football and is considered one of the leading voices on the Collin Samuel Obesity Epidemic.

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  1. The Robin…clearly. He could take out that strung out muppet gecko in a heart beat.

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  2. I too am voting for the Robin. Former stripper? Sold! Besides, ‘Cozmo’ – if that’s what he’s calling himself – is so fake

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  3. Sorry TFC fans, my vote’s with Cozmo. You can’t fight crazy.

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  4. fighter beats lover. another vote for robin. though really this contest is meaningless until whatever the hell that red tellytubby thing on the far right of the main picture enters. that’s the big winner.

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  5. I’m voting for Cozmo, let’s just say he moved me …….. TO A BIGGER HOUSE!!!

    Wait ….

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  6. Rockin’, obviously. Look how he’s turned his life around… it’s heartwarming.

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  7. Another vote for Rockin’ Robin.

    Mainly because Swindon Town was the team I picked to play as in my first go through manager mode on FIFA 07. I tried to bring them up from League Two to the premiership. That uh, didn’t go well.

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  8. I am glad the species was clearly identified in the article. As it is not recognizable to these eyes, “bulbous red breast” or not.

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  9. Disappointing that the Henson family didn’t care to provide support/rehab for their addicted actor – perhaps he snorted and blew his lines – there will always be some simpatico,sympathy for those willing to devotedly consume for that ecstatic lifestyle , to those devoted to the long term grind. I champion Cozmo.

    I’m enjoying your offerings Mr. Walsh, and I would like to suggest an avenue to further scribbling – to honour a former Brit GG John Buchan, a collection of essays titled ” 39 Missteps” (may have to do some pruning to get to just 39), detailing the bemusing, shocking, jaw dropping decisions, actions of TFC in just 8 years ( when you think of it, it is an honour/achievement to stay faithful to the club – other clubs could take decades to have provide such hilarity, opportunities for gallows humour .) Another tie -in (if you want to pay homage to Hitch’s mandatory appearance ) – though not as portly- including a photo of Duane Rollins in a TFC jersey would do nicely.

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  10. Cozmo. Drank some space juice wit em once.

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  11. Cozmo all the way, this crazy alien makes even the most mediocre Galaxy performance bearable

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  12. Cozmo he always puts a smile on the fans faces and hypes us up every match

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  13. My vote is for Cozmo and my Service.Dog votes for Coo. He is the best Mascot I have ever seen and I have seen lots

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