MASCOT HYSTERIA: Sammy the Stag v Kickeroo

Mascot Hysteria

Set googly eyes to stun because it’s time for another round of the world’s hottest football mascot throwdown – Mascot Hysteria!

Knight-time was not the right time for 1.FCN’s noble mascot Ritter Frankie as the reigning champ – Mansfield Town’s suspicious stag Sammy – stuck his antlers right through the German’s cartoon chainmail. Despite a face that looks like British comic book hero Dennis the Menace, the mascot knight –  who strangely decided to expose his underlying human hands – could not joust the love that fans have for Sammy who was handed a 59% overall victory.

So the Stag Party rolls on into another round and welcomes a new challenger. As always, it’s you the Vocal Minority reader who decides the winner so figure out the fuzz and vote! Simply do one of the following: put the name of your winner in the comments section (Comments always welcome!); vote in the handy poll below; or, send the name of your winner to @vocalminorityCA on Twitter with the hashtag #MascotHysteria

Mascots… FIGHT!

THE CHAMPION

Stag mascotNAME: Sammy the Stag
CLUB: Mansfield Town FC

TALE OF THE TAPE

HEIGHT: 6’2″
WEIGHT: 207 lbs.
HOOVES: Twitchy

SPECIES: Stagis Skepticalis

BIOGRAPHY: What are you looking at? What are YOU looking at? The two-time Mascot Hysteria Champion – that’s who! He may be receiving the kudos from fans in this competition but don’t expect to see Sammy promoting his new-found fame in newspapers or on TV. No, Sammy is a firm believer that the mainstream media is a tool of oppressive governments in a campaign to pacify the masses – and make venison a thing. He also refuses to share air time on any platform that recognizes the existence Barry Gibb.

For now Sammy is more than content to cheer on his local side Mansfield Town as they trudge their way through England’s fourth tier. Sammy’s past political aspirations are currently on hold while he works on his regular underground newsletter “The Antler of Truth” and quizzes Stags’ midfielder Reggie Lambe about “what exactly he knows about The Bermuda Triangle”. Sammy has recently enrolled in a local jazzercise class and enjoys Asian fusion cooking.

CATCHPHRASE: “This is no boy’s field – THIS. IS. MANSFIELD!”

THE CHALLENGER

KickarooNAME: Kickeroo
CLUB: Richmond Kickers

TALE OF THE TAPE

HEIGHT: 5’8″
WEIGHT: 180 lbs.
POUCH: Sticky

SPECIES: Mad Hopper

BIOGRAPHY: From the land down under… Washington D.C. – hops Mascot Hysteria’s latest challenger, Kickeroo of the USL’s Richmond Kickers. This furious marsupial is one of the premier mascots in North America’s lower divisions but one who had to overcome diversity to get where he is today – which is primarily challenging members of other USL clubs to boxing matches.

Originally from a town just outside of Brisbane, Australia, Kickeroo (Mick R. Oo according to his Australian passport) travelled to Washington D.C. after landing a role in the film “Crocodile Dundee 4: Capital Croc”, a shockingly cancelled title with a plot which saw Crocodile Dundee become President of the United States. With no money or friends in the U.S.A. Kickeroo eventually hopped south to Richmond, Virginia where he made a meagre living as a Civil War re-enacting street performer named “Roolysses S. Grant”. His lack of American historical knowledge – and the fact he was a kangaroo – made this a short-lived career.

With his natural Australian tendency to fly into unnecessary rage fuelled by his hard times, things grew worse for Kickeroo when he drunkenly bumped into the Rochester Raging Rhinos in town after a match and tried suffocating their goalkeeper in his pouch. Luckily, the owner of the Kickers read about the kerfuffle in the local news and not only bailed Kickeroo from jail but hired him as the thematically unrelated mascot of the local club. Since then, Kickeroo has channelled his anger into leading cheers for the Kickers while openly mocking the few USL players from New Zealand.

CATCHPHRASE: “That’s not a mascot… THIS is a mascot!”

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Author: Tony Walsh

Tony Walsh is a writer, former minor-league broadcaster and failed astronaut. Born into supporting an underachieving football club only to end up supporting a second underachieving football club - through what must be deemed as soft immigration policies - he continues to make terrible life choices. Walsh is a keen observer of the malarkey-rife sport of football and is considered one of the leading voices on the Collin Samuel Obesity Epidemic.

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7 Comments

  1. I still gotta go with Sammy the Stag, he’s just so badass. The Kangeroo just looks mean to mean. One thing’s for sure though – I’d like to see these mascots challenge each other in a real fight!

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  2. that is a nasty looking kangaroo, though looks of decent quality. the complete nonsense of having a kangaroo for a virginia based club swings it for me. kickeroo wins.

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  3. This could be the start of anther US civil war if the svelte Talon hears about this Kickeroo winning the Mascot Faceoff. Let the hostilities begin I vote for Kickeroo.

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    • svelte talon can eff right off. out of shape baggy talon forever!

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  4. I’m sick of that smug stag – Kickeroo wins hands (or paws) down! Plus, he’s terrifying looking – I’d be afraid to vote against him!

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  5. Have to stick with Sammy. He has substance and a message! What’s next – an Ottawa Fury platypus?

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    • Furious the Platypus!
      make it happen.

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