Mascot Hysteria

What a load of fluff that was! The world’s finest point of plush pugilism has put another battle to bed and with that closes out the opening half-season – The Apertura for you fancy types – of the game you know and love – Mascot Hysteria. Not to fear though fans, your googly-eyed heroes will return later this year for “The Clausura” portion of the 2015 tournament and the eventual crowning of this year’s champion.

However, before the mascots head off for a little soft siesta we must take a look at the final battle of this round – and what a battle! In the closest vote we’ve seen, the reigning champion – Essex decapod/lad Sammy the Shrimp (representing Southend United) pipped the dog from the netherworld – Club Tijuana’s Xolo Mayor – by 1 percent of the vote! In a dual that left shrimp and blood hound (not bloodhound) battered, bruised and fluff-marked, Sammy’s experience grabbed him an aggregate vote tally of 50.5% to Xolo Mayor’s 49.5% and victory.


Sammy ShrimpWith that, Sammy the Shrimp now holds on to the title and will return in the first round of the next half of the Mascot Hysteria season later this year. Before we close out we of course want to pay tribute to this half of the year’s combatants…





COZMO (L.A. Galaxy): The inaugural winner took out Swindon Town’s angry bird Rockin’ Robin to become the first ever Mascot Hysteria title-holder. Still spends time making “Uranus” jokes.




RoelioROELIO (Pontevedra CF): One of the biggest vote-getters in the competition, the wacky Spanish bone was a tough competitor taking out Cozmo and Montrose FC’s Monty Mole with ease. Still looks suspiciously phallic.




Stag mascotSAMMY THE STAG (Mansfield Town FC): The always suspicious stag from the Nottinghamshire forests tore through Roelio and 1.FCN’s Ritter Frankie before his hatred of the Bee Gees made him take his googly eye off the ball.




KickarooKICKEROO (Richmond Kickers): Fosters. INXS. Fight. Repeat. Aussie ex-pat and Virginia bad-boy Kickeroo stole Sammy the Stag’s belt then went on to pound Brazilian tiger with anger management issues Tigrao of Criciuma. Despite his natural Australian tendency to brawl and swear, current champ Sammy the Shrimp proved too wily for the big roo.



Mascots… Heads off for a well-deserved rest!

Author: Tony Walsh

Tony Walsh is a writer, former minor-league broadcaster and failed astronaut. Born into supporting an underachieving football club only to end up supporting a second underachieving football club - through what must be deemed as soft immigration policies - he continues to make terrible life choices. Walsh is a keen observer of the malarkey-rife sport of football and is considered one of the leading voices on the Collin Samuel Obesity Epidemic.

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  1. what?

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  2. Roelio, you know the old saying – men want to be like him and women want to be with him.

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  3. Kingsley is waiting patiently…

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