South Couch Report : Vancouver v Toronto

Old Vancouver logo with new colours

So Vancouver is missing their starting keeper over a red card, so this is a good time to sit their starter keeper, right? Seems foolish. Bono gets the start because of squad rotation. Of course.

This should all be about missing Giovinco, but he’s hurt and went to Italy, and probably taking it easy. The upside is Ricketts will start the game and the legendary partnership with Altidore will surely flourish. Other changes include Beitashour’s return, Endoh is probably still asleep and coming down from his game-long panic attack,

Bold Predictions :

  1. #Altitts will have 3 goals between them, maybe set up a few not for them.
  2. We will not see defensive panic like Endoh from last season
  3. No clean sheet for Bono

On to the Match :

8’ – Hagglund with a bullying of Mezquida off the ball, no call given. Well done

18’ – big free kick from Bradley towards the far post that finds Hagglund’s skull and heads back across the face of goal and out. Didn’t miss by much.

21’ – #MLSCouchThoughts Brek Shea still looks like someone you want to see get punched in the face, and still runs around like a show pony. He’ll probably score because I’m thinking this but I’ll leave this in just in case he doesn’t…

23’ – C’mon Cooper, do the step over bullshit already… now you’ve got THREE defenders… c’monnnn…

26’ – Morrow goes down with the ball in the box, but gets a corner instead of the penalty. Looked like a penalty on the replay.

29’ – #MLSCouchThoughts Vancouver needs to sign a player with a name that sounds like Malaria so I can hear a play-by-play guy say “Malaria has it… Mesquida… gives it to Brek Shea… oh and that’s the end of his career…”

31’ – See that Greg… squad rotation on week 3? Here’s what nearly happened : Montero gets a block on a Bono clearance kick and it rebounds about 2 feet wide of the goal.

38’ – Montero gets the ball on the edge of the six yard box with his back to goal does a cheeky back heel across the face of goal, but thankfully no one was there to poke it home.

43’ – Osorio loses his shoe and still boots it down the pitch.

45’ – play stops and Osorio is back to being two booted.

Half-Time Mood : More exciting than the Philadelphia match, so that’s a low bar cleared.

48’ – Bradley with a nice ball over the top to Morrow and it gets caught in his feet, knowing that he just denied Altidore a scoring opportunity.

54’ – #MLSCouchThoughts VAZQUEZ would be worth 37 points in Scrabble if it were a word and Scrabble had 2 “Z tiles” in the bag.

60’ – That was harrowing. Shea gets on the end of the end of a through ball over the top, lays it off for Montero and gets trapped in the spider-web like legs of Moor. Uncle Ben was right with all that talk of great power and great responsibility stuff…

61’ – Barcelona gets a mention on the telly. Do a shot! Thank you Vazquez.

62’ – Clearance from the Toronto defence finds Teibert at the top of the box and launches a bullet right at Bono.

63’ – Corner swung in, headed away by SpiderMoor (TM) #notAThing

64’ – SUB – Cooper off for Vazquez.

65’ – nooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooo!!! Ricketts landed hard!!! OK… he’s OK. DON’T PANIC!!! I SAID DON’T!!!!

66’ – Barcelona gets a mention on the telly. Do a shot! Thank you coach of Atlanta.

66’ – Cute bit of play… throw-in from Beitashour, finds Vazquez, rolls it across the face of the 18 yard box to find Morrow and launches a curling shot that forces a lunging palm save by Richey. Stellar stop.

70’ – Brek Shea got a yellow card for a hard foul on Hagglund, then went all “Brek Shea” on the ref responding with a “fuck you” and gets a red. The ref, theoretically, delivers the punch in the face, so he wins the pool. Collect your $2.15 from VMP Studios when you’re in town next.

72’ – #MLSCouchThoughts more like “Brek Sheam” (pronounced “shame”), amirite?!?

75’ – SUB – Hagglund off for Edwards.

76’ – GOAL – Now that’s something… Edwards floats a ball over to Altidore, who heads it onto Vazquez and he gets his head to poke it past Richey. He’s from Barcelona, you know (Do a shot. ~ Ed.)
TRIANGLEMEN 0, ROBINS 1  for reference

80’ – GOAL – Osorio puts a ball onto Altidore with his back to goal, turns and buries it past everyone about 12 yards out.

Quote of the Game :

When he hurt his other leg, he found his superpower.

~ My wife on Jozy being bit by a radioactive injury bug last season

81’ – SUB – Mavinga on for Ricketts.

85’ – Edwards gets bullied off the ball by Parker but Toronto looks like they’ve fully broken Vancouver.

87’ – YELLOW – After a bit of pushing and handbags, Bradley gets booked.

89’ – Manneh sends a long ambitious ball through the middle looking for Hurtado and Williams, but Bono comes off his line and beats them both

3 minutes of extra time

90+2’ – Hurtado gets away into the box on the right side uncontested and shanks the hell out of it.

90+2’ – Barcelona gets a mention. Do a shot! Thanks again Atlanta coach.

90+3’ – Mavinga has a go from behind half. Why.

Full Time : Vancouver 0, Toronto 2

Man of the Match : Alotta good performances, I liked Bradley’s game, Oso’s hustle but a goal and assist, it has to go to Altidore.

Goat of the Game : Cooper was a bit useless.

Ref Rating : 5 out of 5. It’s completely for the red card to Brek Shea.

I Am Not The Gaffer, But… : It worked out after all.

In Case You PVR’d It : Just watch the second half.

I’m not ready to declare Vazquez a winner as a pick-up, but he looked very competent and in the game this time… Also, is Ricketts a perma-sub?  He was invisible for most of the game… Also also, still not sold on Cooper.  Largely invisible and trying to think back on the match, nothing was positive… I know that both goals were scored after Brek Sheam was given his marching orders, but I feel like, as far as the second half went, it was merely a matter of time before Toronto was going to break through.  To be fair, if it makes him feel worse tonight, I’m OK with that… Who else wanted Oso to score in his sock?  If he did, who’d buy red socks with Osorio’s face on it?  Just me?  OK… Every time Beitashour touched the ball, my appreciation for his abilities increased.  That’s how perplexing it was seeing Endoh last week try to fill his boots… New idea for a goal-kick taunt : ooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *kick* MEDIOCRE!  Then a round of MEE-DEE-OH-KER *clap* *clap* *clap-clap-clap*!

Bold Predictions Results :

  1. Failed it. #Altitts had a goal and an assist. And by #Altitts, I mean Altidore. Soft game from Ricketts tonight
  2. Nailed it. No one was even close to Endoh’s level of “composure”
  3. Failed it. A clean sheet for Bono

Player Ratings : Bono 6, Hagglund 6.5 (Mavinga N/A), Moor 7, Zavaleta 6, Morrow 6.5, Bradley 7, Beitashour 6.5, Osorio 6.5, Cooper 6 (Vazquez 7), Ricketts 6 (Edwards 6.5), Altidore 7.5

Unused Subs : Chapman, Delgado, Hamilton, Irwin

Author: Mark Hinkley

Mark is a full-time graphic designer, full-time smart ass and full-time logo, stadium and kit nerd. When he isn't writing ridiculous match reports or redesigning logos for his own amusement, he's salivating over the day that promotion and relegation occurs in MLS. You can follow him @kitnerdmark on the twitterz.

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  1. Driving Away from Home

    Vazquez seems to like the west coast and the trip to Lotusland. He and our hero, Raheem Edwards, buried the man or two advantage curse that has hung over this team for a year or more. Vanney, I hope you remember this lesson substituting a Canadian to take on the crossing remit and leaving a Canadian on in the midfield was the wisest thing the Manager has done over the last few months.

    The midfield led by Bradley and Oso were the stars of this game.

    Post a Reply
    • Always enjoy some Zico DJing in the comments. 🙂

      Raheem was quite impressive – hopefully he gets lots of time during the busy month and during absences.

      And (to quote Duncan) Shoeless J’Oso!

      Post a Reply
      • Just need to make sure that there is no ancient running man iconography that may rightfully be taken as offensive by many

        Post a Reply

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