THE STARTING 11: Not Entirely Unbelievable 2015 TFC Headline Predictions

You'll never catch me! CAW!

You’ll never catch me! CAW!

Happy New Year Vocal Minorities! It’s exciting to be back for another year and to bust out the very first Starting 11 of 2015. There’s a dramatic 12 months ahead what with TFC’s 58-match road trip to start the season; the ceremonial gridiron painting as we ready for the Argos in 2016; the Vanney/Bezbatchenko sacking sometime in… Let’s say July; and of course… almost making the playoffs! Wheeeee! Of course we wouldn’t be the intrepid “journalists” you know and tolerate without trying to predict a few TFC headlines for 2015 and while these won’t all come true, would you be that shocked if some did?

11. JORDAN HAMILTON SCORES 7 IN FIRST 5 MATCHES – TRADED TO SAN JOSE FOR 4TH ROUND DRAFT PICK
10. MARK BLOOM RE-NEGOTIATES CONTRACT – RENT COVERED THROUGH FEBRUARY
9. JOE BENDIK COMPLETES TRANSITION TO PRO WRESTLING
8. WINTER WHITEOUT CONDITIONS HIT TORONTO AREA – KYLE BEKKER INVISIBLE FOR DAYS
7. WALL OF HONOUR COLLAPSES UNDER WEIGHT OF ITS OWN SELF-IMPORTANCE
6. DIKE AND FINDLEY INTRODUCED – BOTH PLAYERS’ ACL’S EXPLODE IMMEDIATELY
5. DOZENS HURT IN CALDWELL ARM-FLAPPING INCIDENT
4. YOURASSOWSKY MAKES TRIUMPHANT REDS RETURN
3. WARRANT ISSUED FOR BITCHY THE HAWK’S ARREST
2. JERMAIN DEFOE GRANTED MLS EXPANSION FRANCHISE – 30,000 FEET ABOVE THE ATLANTIC OCEAN
1. NEW TFC MANAGEMENT REGIME PROMISE: “THIS TIME WE’LL GET IT RIGHT”

Author: Tony Walsh

Tony Walsh is a writer, former minor-league broadcaster and failed astronaut. Born into supporting an underachieving football club only to end up supporting a second underachieving football club - through what must be deemed as soft immigration policies - he continues to make terrible life choices. Walsh is a keen observer of the malarkey-rife sport of football and is considered one of the leading voices on the Collin Samuel Obesity Epidemic.

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5 Comments

  1. I was laughing until the final one, at which point I crashed painfully back into reality. Cheers Tony!

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    • Yeah, that one’s all too obvious and real really isn’t it.

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      • I maintain The Starting 11 is primarily a hard news source.

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  2. #2 is no surprise, Garber’s been hinting at Bluthton for years

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    • hmmm, Mls could get in early and really dominate the international airspace cup.

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