THE STARTING 11: Unusual CBA Demands From The MLS Players Union

You guys may want to hold your crotches.

You guys may want to hold your crotches.

“Strike! Strike! Strike!” No, not the fruitless begging pleas of Toronto FC supporters towards their forwards, but the possible chant from an MLS Players Union picket line. It’s true foot and ball fans of the Northern Americas, the start of the 2015 MLS season could very well be delayed by a work stoppage! While the league and its players continue to attempt forging a new collective bargaining agreement, things are yet to be settled. While the big issues are salary caps and free agency there are a few other unusual demands coming out from players on certain clubs…

11. PHILADELPHIA UNION: An immediate league-wide ban on “BIMBO” jokes
10. NEW YORK CITY FC: Home Run bonuses
9. LA GALAXY: Bruce Arena renovations
8. REAL SALT LAKE: Full health benefits for multiple wives
7. HOUSTON DYNAMO: Annual VIP passes to Club Escobar
6. PORTLAND TIMBERS: A higher base salary… or free skinny jeans
5. MONTREAL IMPACT: A special retirement plan aimed at elderly Italians
4. CHICAGO FIRE: Immediate cancellation of far more popular “Chicago Fire” TV show
3. TORONTO FC: Non-playoff bonuses
2. COLUMBUS CREW: Mandatory Crew Cat vaccinations
1. NEW ENGLAND REVOLUTION: Musket danger pay

Author: Tony Walsh

Tony Walsh is a writer, former minor-league broadcaster and failed astronaut. Born into supporting an underachieving football club only to end up supporting a second underachieving football club - through what must be deemed as soft immigration policies - he continues to make terrible life choices. Walsh is a keen observer of the malarkey-rife sport of football and is considered one of the leading voices on the Collin Samuel Obesity Epidemic.

Share This Post On


  1. you forgot to mention the demand that the daycare be moved to the east stand

    Post a Reply
    • good point. keep those little kids away from the dressing room.*

      *Not an Adam Johnson joke, I promise.

      Post a Reply

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *